comments on a funeral for Mark
After attending a funeral for Mark I wrote up the following evaluation...
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Date: August 8, 2006 11:42PM - as posted to the exmormon list at yahoogroups dot com
A travesty for a funeral
Today I attended the funeral for my nephew Mark.
Here is my preliminary evaluation:
As far as I can tell Mark was a progressive and probably not a strong believer [in Mormonism]. Mark's father and mother could in my view be fairly described as ultra Mormons (and at times nazi Mormons).
If all Mormonism just was about putting out fairy tales which help comfort those who loose loved ones, then I wouldn't have as much of a problem about this type of situation, or with how his funeral was handled. But we all know that Mormonism is much more. In Mormonism one is not free to speak one's mind, nor are we free to be who we are within the culture. And so, the culture itself serves as a highly destructive force within society.
Based on what I know of Mark's own recent positions on Mormonism, I would say that what happened today was about 20% useful and about 80% a self serving travesty, and a dishonor to Mark's own feelings about what Mormonism was. Mark was a progressive, and we all know that in Mormonism progressives are outcasts.
During the useful 20%, we learned that Mark was a good musical composer and performer, and a dynamic and friendly person. He was a deep feeling person, which I suppose is a common family trait. But he did suffer from ulcerative colitis, and he had huge unpaid medical bills.
So, a lack of nationalized or single payer health care, was as far as I'm concerned, a major contributing factor to his depression and situation.
Secondly, the fact that his own parents were so fundamentally and acutely brain washed, brain washed in a way which only the most ultra of Mormons can be, probably served as a corrosive effect on his own psyche. If one is a progressive or more of a free thinker, and if one has parents who offer no support for such a position, it does make life harder. So another contributing factor to his demise was the ultra super TBM [true believing Mormon] nature of his parents, and with how several of his siblings were ultra as well.
Mark did live in the Avenues area, and that should have been a help to him. But chronic medical problems, particularly with the bowels, and nearly insurmountable medical bills, all took their toll. And then there's the psychological impact of being a progressive free thinker when one's parents are still incredibly engulfed in the depths of Jim Jones style Mormon flavored punch.
The 80% travesty and dishonor from the funeral today resulted from the following key elements:
Upon consultation with family members who have consulted with close friends of Mark, we have been able to surmise that within the past two months Mark probably did not attend any Mormon meetings, and that he probably was not a regular attender prior to that time also.
So, was an ultra Mormon funeral, which had Mark dressed in temple clothes, really honoring his memory?
Was a funeral which largely felt like a big Amway convention where we were all told "if you repent you can be with Mark again some day" really in line with Mark's own positions on Mormonism?
Was a funeral where it was purported that Mark was a true believer after all really honoring his memory, especially if he was not a true believer within recent months and years (as seems the case based on preliminary research)?
Maybe Mark was merely a Jack-Mormon. But why do ultra Mormons, upon the death of so-called Jack-Mormons, organize funerals for such people in such a way as to belittle and denigrate the life experiences and deeply held feelings of those who have rejected, even in part, the crazy fucked up nature of Mormonism?
I am not going to kiss the bum of the hostile alien Mormon god just so that I can perhaps see my nephew again. If another nephew of mine who's gay is right, and if there's a more benevolent hereafter, then perhaps all the ultra nazi type Mormons will be surprised on who shows up in heaven. But as an atheist and a realist and a science advocate along the lines of Richard Dawkins and Carl Sagan, I am currently most likely to conclude that I will not see Mark again, nor will I see other cherished fellow animals and humans who I've known. Instead, I find value in transcending such thoughts via advocating that we work for a better future via having more rational and more reasonable methods of educating our brains. I suppose this approach is better known as humanism or secularism, and it's an approach common to western Europe.
So, in honor of the life of Mark Higbee, here's a short list of things I advocate right now:
1. If a person is a Jack or Ex or Non-Mormon, for god's sake do not give them a funeral which is little more than an Amway-type convention intended to get people to kiss the ass of the hostile alien Mormon god.
2. If you're a person who feels deeply about things - a creative person who is somewhat of a romantic, and who others see as dynamic and witty and thoughtful and deep-thinking... If you're having a hard time, be sure to try and increase your circle of friends, so as to enhance your own support system.
3. At times try to realize that the little things you do can affect people in big ways both positively and negatively.
4. If in the end you find you must resort to the ultimate sacrifice of your own being, at the very least be sure to a.) write up a long note stating why you are doing what you are doing, and b.) write up a will stating what type of funeral you want so that your memory and stances on key life issues will not be dishonored.
Mark did reportedly have a supportive group of friends, and when he came over the other day, he seemed relatively happy and responsive. But sadly there was a familiar darkness in his mind which was apparently deeper than I was aware.
With the recent war mongering and love for blood which has been so prevalent in recent days weeks and months and years, I can see that this is a dark time. Pharisees I suppose tend to reverse the meaning of the scriptures they claim to believe in, where they assume that it's the war makers who will be blessed. But there are people even in Utah who have some more morals about life and peace, and ironically the closer one gets to downtown Salt Lake the more there are.
The so-called black sheep in my family will be making our own statements and natural recriminations. I suppose in hind sight I could have done more to reach out. But as far as we knew he had a sufficient matrix of friends to buoy him up. I guess we or I was wrong. And when we live in our own selfish world which we are having a hard time wallowing around in and jumping out of, often we have no idea what's going on in the brains of our fellows.
One of the last things I said to Mark around August 1st was "I wish I had left Mormonism when I was eight. My whole life would have been better as a result."
Now, if I had ulcerative colitis, and parents who didn't support my progressive free thinking thoughts, and if I had insurmountable medical bills, I probably would be more fragile. So did my comments help push him over the edge? Maybe. Although I think he agreed with my comments. So maybe not. He was probably closer to the abyss than any of us realized. But I wish he would have been more open with people like me, since I probably could have helped him more than some of my more brain washed fellows.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry that I wasn't a better support for him. He was the one who did what he did. But he wasn't an island, and his death resulted from a complex multi-point failure on the part of several people and entities.
Perhaps these observations will be of use to others.
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Here are excerpts from responses I received as a result of the above posting:
Subject: Re: [Exmormon] A travesty for a funeral
From: Sue..
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2006 02:53:40 EDT
This was a wonderful post to the list. Your thoughts about your nephew's list show how deeply this has affected you. Mark was lucky to have you for an uncle.
Sue
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Subject: Re: [Exmormon] A travesty for a funeral
From: John
Date: Wed, 09 Aug 2006 08:51:09 +0100
Here in the UK I get asked to conduct lots of funerals. Lots. People go to the undertaker, and when asked say they don't have a minister but would like one to take the service, so the undertaker recommends me.
When I get to meet the family my first question always is, "How religious do you want it to be?" Usually the answer is, "Not very." So I have done a number of humanist services, and even a Buddhist one.
If the answer was "Not very," I then ask, "What do you want me to wear?" Usually it is my normal clerical garb: suit, dog collar and gown. But I have taken services in motor-cycle leathers, a Hawaiian shirt or T-shirt and jeans.
My job is to provide a service in keeping with the deceased's presumed wishes. Not to thrust my own religious views down the throats of those attending.
John, Essex, England.
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Subject: Re: A travesty for a funeral
From: Rebecka
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2006 08:06:59 -0700 (PDT)
I am sorry about your nephew. It shows how suffocating religion can be, how it can rob you of who you really are. I am so grateful I left while my children were babies, they have freedom I didn't have as a child...and they don't carry the burdens I had to carry. And It is sad that his funeral wasn't about him and his pain..it was about the church . So in the end he didn't get validation for his pain. I have told several close people in my life to make sure if I die that my mother doesn't turn it into a mormon fest, because I know she would. I don't want my obituary to read anything about the mormon church because it is not who I am . I am in SLC right now visiting my sister ( I live in Ny) and I am having a hard time not being cynical. I head to a huge mormon family reunion on Thursday at Lagoon, it should be interesting. I loved your post and again I am sorry.
Rebecka
--------------- end of copy of responses received to my posting
[re Mark Higbee - Mark Lynn Higbee ]
posted by birdman @ 1:09 AM
3 Comments:
Your travesty of a funeral was a travesty!
Funerals are for the living. Even while we are alive, people do not see us for who we really are, as we choose to limit ourselves to play a character role that we think others want us to fill. We do it to keep the possibility of elusive and unconditional love within reach.
Families by default are supposed to be the safety net we can always depend on, no matter what comes into our lives. We still bow to be the person they think we are.
Whatever refuge a person needs to get through each day, it is not something another can judge. If your nephew would have been offended by the service his family needed to host, he would have made sure his objections were known or would have sent his wishes to the leadership of the church he grew up in.
The method in which the family celebrated his life was a gift to themselves. As dark as Mark may have seen the world at the time he gave into the issues that weighed on him, he would not have wanted to darken the light he knew that his family felt from the religion they brought him up in.
Having such a longstanding medical condition alone would make life difficult for most. Working for the corporation he worked for, in my experience, is risky for anyone suffering from depression. Corporate visitors drop in and evaluate for a few shifts and make decisions as if the employees are plastic pawns in a game of chess. Much of it is based on physical traits, not standards of service. The culture is damaging and inhumane, and not only to the victims on the receiving end, but to the salaried employees who must bow to do what is dictated.
I am sorry for the loss to his family and friends. It sounds like he really didn't feel he had anywhere to turn to get through the dark that was surrounding him. I would't blame it on the religious foundation surrounding his early years. The ceremony to put him in the earth is just a ritual that has meaning to those who need that framework to survive in their own way.
I am not sure he would have wanted to be used as a prop to represent what a religion can do to someone if they don't feel they can fully accept it. The decision he made, he would not want anyone else to follow him with. If others held good memories of him, that is how he would want to be remembered. He would want to know he mattered; that his contributions to life meant something to another while he was alive. These little reminders to someone while they are alive can save them and keep them tuned in to finding help when things are going off track. Certainly he would have tried anything to survive if he knew there was a way out besides the way he went.
To use his passing to educate others about the resources available to those suffering from depression might save someone else. There are hotlines and forums to reach out to. Vilifying how his family chose to return him to the earth only divides and alienates both sides of your focus.
He probably felt invisible and would have expected to have faded out of everyday thought so he could be at peace. I hope he is at peace. I hope all who knew him learned something from him to carry his spirit forward so breaths of the wind he left in this world would continue on to make the earth a better place because he was here.
Peace to you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-b7qaSxuZUg
I just came across this post as I was remembering Mark on the anniversary of his death. I suppose I'm one of those nazi Mormons you refer to repeatedly in your post. But I agree wholeheartedly with what Anonymous said. Funerals are for the living, to remember their loved one in the way that brings them peace and comfort. I was very close to Mark and was devastated by his death. I knew of some of his inner struggles prior to his taking his life, but of course not all. I was terribly hurt to hear of his passing, but not terribly surprised. I knew he had made these attempts on his own life previously. He had told me of one such attempt in detail and I was disturbed by it. But the last time I saw him, he seemed happy and like his life was back on track. I loved Mark like a brother. He knew I never judged him on whether or not he was attending church, though I know he felt that many did, or assumed they did. My concern was never about whether he was attending church or following doctrine, but about the very dark place he seemed to be in and what he might do because of it.
I think your post is appalling and disgusting. You are entitled to your feelings about the Church, but to use Mark’s funeral as an excuse to vilify his family and their deeply held personal beliefs simply because you don’t agree with them is beyond reprehensible. Again, that funeral wasn’t for Mark’s benefit. Perhaps you thought it should be, but that’s not the purpose of funerals. You can never understand the agony that a mother feels to see her son in so much pain and then ultimately take his own life. The knife in her chest is only twisted and plunged deeper by your “enlightened” point of view. Perhaps Mark’s parents’ way of raising him or interacting with him don’t meet your approval, and perhaps there were things they could have done differently, but the bottom line is that he is THEIR son, not yours, not mine. They loved him. They wanted happiness for him but didn’t know how to help him find it. Apparently none of us knew how to help him with that, least of all Mark, or he’d still be here with us. For you to attack a family and their beliefs at a time when they are grieving for the loss of their beautiful son/brother is, again, disgusting. You seem very concerned about honoring Mark in a way that he would approve of. I can assure that you verbally assaulting (and INsulting) the family he loved does not accomplish that. I know he would not be OK with this post or the hurt I’m sure it caused when it was written. You pointed out that the family’s conduct at his funeral was only for “their” selfish benefit, to make “them” feel better. Well, congratulations. You’ve accomplished the same thing with this post. You’ve made yourself feel better without considering what Mark would actually want or what would make HIM happy.
I miss my friend, still, to this day. I wish I had never come across this vitriolic, nasty attack on his family. I was looking for words of peace and comfort as I was remembering all the wonderful things I loved about him. Instead, I came across this nastiness. Well done.
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